(thank you for being the beginning of the end)

You probably thought it was just another moment in the lobby.
Just another emotional wife. Just another Sunday.
But for me, it was the beginning of the end.

You saw it happen.
You watched him raise his voice at me outside the church,  just minutes after we’d led worship, acting like everything was okay.
We’d gotten good at that.
You saw him walk off. You saw me crying.
And when I came back inside, still shaken, I had to make an excuse for why he wasn’t there  as if his absence was my fault to carry.

You asked what had happened. I told you.
And your response?

You told me that as a woman, I needed to be careful what I told my husband.
As if my honesty had provoked him.
As if his public outburst wasn’t the issue but my words were.

Maybe you didn’t mean to hurt me.
Maybe you thought you were protecting a marriage, or repeating what you had been taught.
But that moment stayed with me.
Because instead of comfort, I was given correction.
Instead of safety, I was handed silence  again.

That moment didn’t break me.
But it cracked something open.

A story I’d been handed my whole life began to unravel the one that said submission is sacred, silence is strength, and being a good wife means enduring without complaint.

Because if you, a spiritual leader, could witness that and still point the finger at me…
Then maybe the problem wasn’t me.
Maybe it was the system.

The one that tells women to keep the peace no matter the cost.
The one that blames our voice before ever questioning the one who raised his.

You weren’t the reason I left the church.
But you were a turning point.
You were a mirror I didn’t ask for but couldn’t unsee.

And still,  I’m grateful.
That moment helped me find my voice.
It helped me realize I was allowed to call a bad thing what it was  even when it came dressed in scripture, wrapped in authority, or spoken in God’s name.
It helped me begin to come back to myself.

Wherever you are now,
I hope you’re well.
I hope you’ve grown.
And even though I was hurt,
I still hope you’ve found peace and joy in your own story.

~Ana